


Thick Thighs Make the ‘D’ Rise

by Snafu07



Series: Thick Thighs [1]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Fluff, Humor, Multi, Smutty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2021-01-23 15:55:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21322780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snafu07/pseuds/Snafu07
Summary: Eggsy has had a disastrous string of dates. Harry is amused. Merlin has a different reaction.Pure fluffy, crack, with some smutty descriptions.Possible second sexy part?Un-beta’dInspired by my obsession with Taron’s booty and legs.
Relationships: Gary "Eggsy" Unwin/Original Female Character(s), Gary "Eggsy" Unwin/Original Male Character(s)
Series: Thick Thighs [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1544692
Comments: 12
Kudos: 53





	Thick Thighs Make the ‘D’ Rise

Harry Hart, Arthur to some, was trying to settle in his sitting room arm chair because he was determined to enjoy a blissfully quiet evening home. It was proving impossible. He had been living in the townhome for practically 6 months now, but after decades in his house in the mews, this place just didn’t have that comfortable feeling of home. He knew he shouldn’t complain, Merlin was currently allowing his high tech, modern fortress of a flat to be used as temporary Kingsman Headquarters. The man had close to no privacy as they attempted to rebuild what Poppy had taken from them. 

Which might be why his closest friend was currently in the matching arm chair, screw driver in hand, making an adjustment to Harry’s Kingsman glasses. Merlin was a stickler for his tech before Poppy; but now that his troves of replacements were ashes? Even more so. And Percival and Lancelot were mission planning at “headquarters” meaning he was more than willing to make a house call.

Harry let out what he knew was a slightly dramatic sigh and tried to get back to reading his newspaper. He only had so many hours to enjoy the calm before his roommate was home from his date. 

Harry loved the man, but Eggsy just didn’t do calm. Percival once referred to him as Kingsman’s puppy agent. Which Harry reprimanded him for... while secretly agreeing. 

It had been worse lately. 6 months since Cambodia, since being back in London, since the break up with Princess Tilde. And Eggsy was still floundering. He spent the first few months completely dedicated to the rebuilding effort ignoring any social life. The last few months had been the opposite. Not a single friend would be crass enough to say so; but Eggsy was currently trying to fuck anything that moved.

The remaining Kingsman were all worried about their friend/colleague. Though Harry would admit he was a little impressed with his young protege. Every night that he wasn’t on a mission Eggsy had a date. Dozen of gorgeous young ladies and men joined him for movies, dinners, the theatre, and the pub. All kinds of dates but not a single one got a second tryst. 

The door slammed signaling Eggsy’s return. “That’s it! I quit! That was my last date ever!”

And Harry’s quiet night was over. “Come into the sitting room and tell me about it.” He called out in a much more respectable tone for the indoors.

Eggsy kicked off his trainers by the front door and threw his keys in the crystal dish on the hallway table. He walked into the kitchen and yanked open the refrigerator. “I’ll be right there Harry. I need a beer or 6. You want anything?”

“I’m quite fine, but thank you Eggsy.” Harry responded. 

The clank of glass bottles followed Eggsy trudge down the hall. “I swear this date was worse than the last Harry. I’m gonna give it up all together. Are you sure you don’t want to give me a go before I hang it up for good?”

Harry groaned with embarrassment as he looked over at a chuckling Merlin. He sighed and responded. “As I’ve told you every time you have made this lovely farce, I quite prefer partners of my own age. Within a decade at the very least.” Eggsy entered the sitting room and came to an abrupt, stuttering halt. “And as you can see, we have company.”

Upon seeing Merlin, Eggsy blushed red up to his hairline. “Shit. Sorry Harry, Merlin. If I had known...”

“This is why I am constantly trying to impress on you the importance of speaking with someone face to face instead of shouting across the house my boy. “ Harry lectured.

Eggsy’s embarrassment doubled.

“Come on now Harry; he’s in his own home. Cut him a little slack.” Merlin offered, his hazel eyes twinkling with mirth at the interactions between the two roommates. “And think nothing of it lad, tell us about this date. And fill me in on what has been going wrong that has ye wanting to give them up all together?”

Eggsy shot Merlin a thankful half smile and slumped onto the couch; placing his six pack of lager on the coffee table.

Anticipating this action, a scowling Harry just managed to slide one of Eggsy’s car magazines underneath the six pack before it touched the wood.

Eggsy looked at it and considered bitching to Harry that he had not read that edition yet; but decided not to stir the pot. Instead he pulled out one of the bottles, twisted the cap, which he put gently on the magazine, and toasted it in Harry’s direction. “Ta guv.” He said before bringing the bottle to his lips and draining half of it in one go.

Harry watched the obscene display in front of him and rolled his eyes. Merlin, on the other hand, watched as Eggsy wrapped those gorgeous lips around that long neck bottle and was suddenly very glad his lap was covered in tools and materials to fix Harry’s glasses. He shifted as discreetly as possible and nodded at Eggsy. “Fill me in lad.”

“You my have noticed I’ve been on a few dates lately.” Eggsy started.

Harry guffawed. “A few?”

Eggsy shot him a dirty look.

“Ignore him Eggsy, he’s jealous.” Merlin soothed. “But to be honest, even Daisy has mentioned the sheer volume of social life you’ve had recently.”

“She has not!” Eggsy sounded dismayed. “She’s barely five! She don’t know nuffing of my ‘social life’!”

“There in’s the joke lad.” Merlin’s look did not hide his disappointment at how easily Eggsy fell for it.

Eggsy huffed and returned to his beer bottle, swallowing down the second half and opening another. This cap he did flick; right at Merlin.

“Will you just get on with the story please?” Harry sounded tired as he rubbed at his forehead over his bad eye. “You two are giving me a headache.”

Eggsy placed his new beer down on the magazine, stood from the couch, and grabbed a bottle of pills off the room’s built in shelf. He shook out two and held them out to Harry, who popped them in his mouth and chased them with some tea from the cup at his elbow. “Sorry Guv.”

Harry grabbed Eggsy’s hand and gave it a firm squeeze. “Thank you Eggsy.”

They both dropped it and Eggsy sat back on the couch, returning his attention to Merlin. “All my dates? Each one has been a disaster.”

After watching the touching moment Merlin felt a little guilty for teasing Eggsy so. He settled back determined to just listen. He nodded at Eggsy.

“At first I thought it was just cuz I was out of practice, ya know?” Eggsy started again. “Sleeping with no one but Tilde for over a year?”

Eggsy paused again for more beer. “But each date was just awful, just continued to be awful that it began to feel like an omen to just give up. And I think this night was just the clincher.”

Merlin looked confused. “Wait a second now. Are you saying you’re giving up on love just because a few weeks of dates haven’t been going well?”

“Who said anything about love?” Eggsy burst out with. He gave a bitter chuckle. “I’m giving up on sex!”

“WHAT?!?” Merlin shouted. “Yer in yer 20’s! Why in the world would you give up sex?”

Harry chuffed an amused noise.

“Because people have gotten weird! They’re all obsessed with one thing!” Eggsy spat, obviously disgusted.

“What do you mean by weird? What are they obsessed with?” Merlin asked, more perplexed than ever.

“My ass!” Eggsy informed.

“Yer ass?” This much confusion was a rarity to Merlin.

“Every date I have had, that has gone well enough to reach sex, well once we hit the naked portion of the night’s activities, my dates take one look at my ass and go weird!” Eggsy explained. “They’re all obsessed with it!”

Harry full out laughed this time. “Give him some examples Eggsy. Start with that tall red head from two months ago.”

“Vampire Victoria?” Eggsy rolled his eyes and drank more beer. “She took one look at my backside and instead of sex I got a night of a 6 foot, ginger haired goddess biting my butt and thighs!”

Harry tried to control his chuckles. “How about that sweet young man not long after her?”

“Stoner Steve. At least he gave me a blowy first. But there I am on my stomach on his bed, waiting for him to start the prep and what do I get instead of a good buggering?” Eggsy asked the other two men. “Half an hour of his playing my butt like bongos before I gave up and left him to his pipe.”

Harry was back to a full laugh while Merlin looked like he couldn’t decide whether he was believing this all or not.

“Next was Control-Freak Connie!” The beer was definitely amping up Eggsy’s storytelling skills. “She handcuffed me to the bed, which felt like a great start... but then she straps on this gigantic purple rubber thing and pegs me with my knees up around my ears! Not exactly the world’s most comfortable position. And hell she was bad at finding the prostate.”

Eggsy shook his head in disgust before draining his second beer and opening a third. He tilted it in offer to both Harry and Merlin. Harry refused, but Merlin accepted, grabbing the bottle and drinking some down. Eggsy opened another for himself and continued his tale.

“Where was I?” He thought. “Fussy Frederick. He claimed he didn’t normally have sex on the first date but was so enamored with my body... his words, not mine... that he was willing to make an exception. However, he didn’t do anal, didn’t do oral. He wanted to fuck my thighs. Just oil them up and pump away. I figured whatever, as long as I got off too. But as soon as he was done he backed off as though I was disgusting and told me to leave.”

“Punishment Patty decided I wasn’t worth sex when I wouldn’t let her spank me until I cried. Didn’t understand why I wasn’t willing to when I was so amply padded.” Eggsy continued with a look that clearly said he wasn’t appreciative of that particular descriptive. 

“But tonight was the final straw. I’m at dinner with this adorable, petite pixie, Abigail. She tells me she’s a former acrobat. Which I think is awesome. Former acrobat, former gymnast? We talk about tumbling for a while, then different balance techniques. She asks if I would be interested in coming home with her. And of course I am, but at this point in my dating history I’m wary. So I ask her what she’s in to. She tells me to start of, she’s hoping she can balance on my bubble-butt like a ballerina in the circus!” Eggsy threw himself backwards on the couch imitating a mini explosion. “So I paid for the meal and left her at the restaurant. And that’s why I’m giving up on sex. Because all people want me for is my ass, but they don’t want it for the right reasons! So I quit!”

Harry had given into his amusement, laughing uproariously. 

Eggsy pouted in a very sad way, his offense obvious. “It’s not funny!”

Harry looked like he wanted to explain himself, or apologize, or at the very least control himself. But with arms wrapped around his stomach all he could do was laugh.

Merlin on the other hand was standing up. He put Harry’s glasses, the tools, and his beer and was crossing over to Eggsy. “You’re right Eggsy, it’s not funny.”

He knelt in front of the couch and reached out to put a hand on Eggsy’s thigh. “Dinnae deny the world of such perfection just because they dinnae know what to do with it.”

The room froze and quieted; Harry and Eggsy gaping at Merlin.

“Merlin?” Eggsy tentatively.

Merlin stood and held that hand out to Eggsy.

TBC?

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from a song by the fabulous Willam Belli.


End file.
